How to be a girl who is really cool

Here’s some advice courtesy of Clodagh Chapman on how to nail the Cool Girl vibe while still remaining super chill and whatever. 

cw: misogyny, homophobia, biphobia, lesbophobia, sex, transphobia, fatphobia, body image

January is the time of the year when everyone focuses on self-betterment, so this year, why not transform yourself into a Cool Girl? With this 4-step guide you will be well on your way to becoming a Cool Girl – liberated, fun and independent (as long as that’s okay with men, because you wouldn’t want to be an inconvenience).

STEP 1: Be low-maintenance, but always look perfect

We all know that woman who takes hours to get ready. Yes, shock horror, a woman taking up men’s time doing something they would otherwise ostracise her for not doing. Worse still are those women who are always on the latest crash diet, letting their body image issues become mildly inconvenient to the men around them. To be a Cool Girl, you can never be seen applying makeup (“how does anyone have time for that”) but miraculously always have perfectly filled-in eyebrows and contoured cheekbones. Try applying makeup under the cover of darkness, or alternatively tattoo it onto your face permanently. This should preferably be coupled with genetically modifying yourself so that you can eat whatever you want but never gain weight, and openly criticising any woman who doesn’t do all of the above. Because the only thing worse than being high-maintenance is not fitting societal beauty standards.


STEP 2: Be down for sex with any man who asks, but don’t be a slut

A woman who turns down a man is a bitch, but a woman who sleeps with any man who asks is a slut. Model yourself on Schrödinger’s cat and simultaneously sleep and don’t sleep with every man within your 10km Tinder radius. To be a proper Cool Girl you should talk about sex often (because you’re fun and liberated, remember?) but only about sex with cis men and never actually reference anything to do with you, or your pleasure on a personal basis. Because we all know, women only exist for the purpose of male pleasure and have no boundaries or wants of their own. You can be queer, as long as deep down you know you’re lying to yourself, only want a man and only involve yourself with other women for male attention. Male attention is always the end goal.

STEP 3: Be feminine, but only as much as is comfortable and convenient for the men around you.

Be feminine enough to validate the men around you hitting on you, but not feminine enough to force them to confront the fact that they see femininity as inferior. Drink beer and never wear skirts because you’re Not Like Other Girls, but wear just enough makeup and keep your hair just long enough to look ‘womanly’. This should all be done whilst constantly degrading all women that are either more feminine (‘slags’) or less feminine (‘dykes’) than you. In short, be one of the lads but remember to always remain objectifiable, because what use is a woman if she’s not a sex object?

STEP 4: Have opinions, but only ones that the men around you agree with

Everyone loves an opinionated woman, as long as her opinions in no way implicate any men in doing anything wrong ever. Your opinions should preferably be constrained to a slight re-phrasing but general agreement with the men talking over you. These opinions are best expressed never, until the men around you have somehow run out of things to say and want validation that they are oh-so intellectual. Oh and don’t get angry about anything ever, because that makes you a crazy bitch who is probably one of those feminists and therefore the absolute antithesis of a Cool Girl.

There you have it, all in black and white. With a complete disregard for your personal wellbeing, a vocal hatred of all the women around you and a working knowledge of genetic engineering, you too can become a Cool Girl – the ultimate impossible dream of the male faux-feminist.

Image by Joy Molan

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