Maddison Lee questions the reasons why we all seem to cry on our birthday – and how to avoid it.

Every year on my birthday, I spend weeks excited for my special day to roll around, only to find myself crying by the end of it every single year. Whether it be the fear of growing up, overwhelm, the external influence of other people (particularly men) or simply for no reason at all, I find myself questioning what it is about birthdays that causes us to cry.

The phenomenon behind women crying on their birthdays is not a stranger to anyone; the saying ‘hot girls cry on their birthday’ flooded my research for this exact article. It’s not only an accepted but celebrated stereotype that women cry on their birthdays, with the day being feared rather than enjoyed by women around the world. Of course, the phrasing ‘hot girls cry on their birthday’ may be true, but it feels reductive of the many reasons women cry on their birthday.

I would like to delve into this seemingly universal phenomenon,  examining the exact reasons why we as women seem to always cry on our birthday.

The existential dread of ageing

Women have been conditioned to have a complicated relationship with ageing since the beginning of time. We spend our entire youth craving to be older, before hitting our 20s and being overcome with the existential dread of turning 30. Ageing is a natural part of life’s progression, yet on our birthday we so often find ourselves crying over the fear of getting older due to the impossible expectations of youth placed on us by the misogynistic structures of society.

Take the film Death Becomes Her; the cult classic follows two women desperate to remain young and beautiful for male affection, as society tells us to do. In the end, they realise that ageing would have been much better than the fate they ended up with.

This film, along with many others like it, forces us to reflect and celebrate the beauty in getting older rather than having a fear of it; no longer scared by our impending wrinkles and grey hair. Both women realise that the true love they had been competing for was in fact found in growing old together and being alive forever as one. It seems that society is shifting in a positive direction towards female beauty standards, with ageing being pushed in the media through celebrations of grey hair and finding the joy in being middle aged, as a thing to look forward to and embrace, rather than being tricked into the belief that our time is running out.

So, if you catch yourself beginning to feel sad about ageing on your birthday, remember it’s a natural and beautiful part of life.

Men: the sadistic external factor

The Marie Clare article ‘Why do men ruin your birthday ’ sees Dr Sophie Mort explore the effect men can have on a woman’s big day. Several women shared horrifying anecdotes of days lost to tears at the hands of their male family members, friends and partners, and that many women fear their upcoming event as they begin to feel “unsafe”, “because experience has taught (her) that being celebrated comes with a cost.”

When researching for this article, I was overwhelmed with stories of women who had their birthdays ruined by the men in their lives. Many were broken up with, or yelled at in front of friends and family. Take my experience: I’ve spent at least 4 birthdays crying over a man, or something a man has said to me.

But why is it that men seem so often choose the one day on which they are supposed to make their partner feel special? Many men spend their entire lives being cared for by women, yet Dr Mort suggests that they become jealous of the women in their lives carrying the spotlight, even for just a day.

Unfortunately, unlike the internal psychology of ageing, there isn’t a foolproof way of combatting the external factor of men ruining your birthday. I have jokingly said for years that as a precaution, my birthday would be a strictly man-free zone in order to maintain my peace on my special day. Annoyingly, this can sometimes be unavoidable, so I turn to the main root of the issue: men taking away from your special day.

Instead of constantly affirming that the day itself is special, reduce it to the men in your life. . A calm, cool and collected approach towards your birthday makes it much harder for anyone to corrupt. After all, men are the most simplistic of creatures, reverse psychology is a magic tool that can deter their desire to sabotage your happiness.

Overwhelm and nostalgia

The psychological weight behind birthdays is particularly interesting. In an interview for The Tab, psychologist Dr Quinn-Cirillo said, “Birthdays often signify a lot for people- not just the anniversary of being born. For many, it can be a time to reflect or even reevaluate the years before.”

Whilst the day can be corrupted by external factors of men and societal expectations, the simple sadness associated with nostalgia and time gone by is enough to make anyone cry.

Instead of fearing ageing, the alternative is sadness in reflection. Whilst it is perfectly natural to get caught up in the past, my main piece of advice is to switch the mindset entirely: instead of reflecting on the past with sadness, look at how far you’ve come over the course of your life. Take every challenge and obstacle and look at it with gratitude for its aid in helping you become the person you are today.

So whether it’s sadistic men, the fear of ageing, or the sadness of years gone by, crying on your birthday may be expected, but it shouldn’t have to be. Take back the day that was meant to be yours and keep it that way.

Artwork by Isabel Boate