Nina Klaff compiles a list of the worst presents on the market this festive season
Tis the season to be jolly: the month of mulled wine, mince pies, and merriment is upon us. The yuletide cheer is palpable: companies big and small are lusting after our custom and it’s time for us to begin thinking about which ones we want to be bankrupted by the most. So, inspired by the generous spirit, I have compiled a list of gift ideas for you to consider, whatever holiday you may be celebrating.
‘Super drinkable wine in a can that’s good every time, can go anywhere with you, and doesn’t break the bank.’
Sound good? Thought so.
Wine is great, but even the red one that makes your mouth look like that of Roald Dahl’s Witches by the end of the night could do with a dash of aluminium. Wine glasses are after all indubitably allusive to breasts: Marie Antoinette even had a champagne coupe modeled on hers (which is an honour I seriously aspire to be granted. No but really, if there are any budding glassmakers out there, my Twitter is @ninaklaff. DM me.) What heterosexual male wouldn’t want to go near anything that even slightly resembled boobs? Graham. He started MANCAN because he ‘wished he could order wine, but didn’t want a “Sauvignon Blanc” or “Pinot” in stemware when his friend had a can of beer.’ This is the perfect gift for the strong man who doesn’t like anything to do with women, created by a guy who had to rely on his wife’s professional help and ‘crashes at her parent’s house’ during production.’ Behind every ManCan, there’s a WomanDoes.
The Lazy Man Mug
The MANCAN’s next of kin, the Lazy Man Mug is a self-stirring cup for the ‘man who can’t be bothered to stir.’ The company claims to help you avoid the risks to your wrists of stirring your own tea when there isn’t a woman around to make your hot beverage for you. It comes in delightful blue and white packaging and the words ‘Lazy Man Mug’ imprinted in a large, aggressive font would empower the laziest of mugs.
If you really like a sentence, make it immortal in a print. Requiring less commitment than a tattoo and a perfectly impersonal gift, slogan items are the ideal way to make presents speak for you.
From gems like an ‘If found, please return me to the kitchen’ hoodie, or a ‘W.I.F.E: Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc’ T-shirt, the possibilities are endless.
For the home, a ‘Maths is hard’ cup, complete with an image of a despairing woman, may tickle your fancy. Or you could even get a magnet that reads:
‘Why do men die before their wives?’
‘Because they want to.’
This really is the best way to ensure your gift says it all.
The Boyfriend Pillow
For any of you girls out there who have failed in your quest to find a man to provide for you, fear not: I give you the Boyfriend Pillow. Also suitable for those who have got husbands but miss them terribly while they’re at work, or for post-coital cuddling if Mr Right doesn’t fancy spending actual time with you Right Now, the Boyfriend Pillow provides you with a literal shoulder to cry on.
Made ‘in accordance with the male body,’ the company claims your silent support’s ‘arms can be bent,’ which is always useful. He will even ‘help prevent aches and pains.’ I have yet to ascertain how, but you can find out for yourself for the reasonable sum of ten pounds.
His shirt comes in pink, black or blue, to coordinate with your outfit and home decor. For the girl who dreams of an athletic man, there’s a toned torso option too. This is just as great for men, as it relieves them of their duties and reduces their existence to their upper bodies. Perfect objectification. Well done, America.
The Delicious Women’s PhD Darling Sexy Costume
This is a personal favourite of mine: a sexy PhD graduation costume.
Ladies of the world, rejoice. You can now join in on the fun of farcifying women’s intellectual liberation, and show a little leg in the process. The gown comes in a boyish blue so men know we’re just mimicking them in case they feel threatened, and it’s half the length of the real ones. How fun!
The diploma is included, so we get to pretend to have finished a Bachelor’s degree, gotten a Master’s and spent years researching a thesis, without actually having to do any work. This is ideal for any woman who is questioning her role as a subhuman. It’s just a costume, but it’ll be enough to delay her ever considering getting an education.
If you can’t get hold of any of these, a fail-proof option is to get your female loved one a scented candle. Women love candles. For men, opt for tools. Or other, you know, manly stuff. You can’t go wrong as long as you completely disregard who they are as a person, and their likes and dislikes. Base your choice on what they have between their legs, and everybody wins! Wait, no. We don’t.
Happy fucking holidays.
Illustration by April Bates