Grace Rose explores the recent Vogue article questioning whether having a boyfriend is embarrassing, arguing that judging women for this rebrands old patriarchal scrutiny by keeping men central to women’s value.

Most of us have by now read the controversial recent Vogue article: Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?, written in October 2025 by Chanté Joseph. The article discusses the emerging trend of women excluding their heterosexual relationships from their social media presence, and the general decline in the popularity of such relationships. Most significantly, the article asserts that having a boyfriend now deducts from a woman’s cultural ‘cool’ status. 

When breaking this notion down through a contemporary feminist lens, there appears to me to be many glaring flaws in its foundation and a willful ignorance of where this leaves the modern woman: at the mercy of more harsh judgment for whatever life choices she makes. Only, this time and most crucially, the judgement is inflicted on women by other women. If you have read The Handmaid’s Tale (arguably a canon text for those interested in the structure of patriarchy), or anything else written from the late 20th century dealing in this same topic, you will be aware that patriarchy is dependent upon the participation of women to uphold it. This internal passing of judgement is then, in my opinion, a harsh extension of the culture we exist in which simply cannot let women make life choices without the influx of countless opinions. The shift toward devaluing heterosexual relationships is undoubtedly a massive step forward for women, who have never benefited from the system that told them that their value was entangled in their ability to find and keep a man, even if this is to their own personal detriment.

However, when women begin passing judgment onto one another about the choice to engage in a heterosexual relationship, we are upholding the age-old patriarchal notion that any life choice made by a woman is open for scrutiny. Even if the notion that the traditional design of a heterosexual relationship does not benefit women is correct, it is still erroneous that one negative ruling should be made on all women in heterosexual relationships, and made even worse by the fact that the call is coming from inside the house. 

Moreover, if women begin projecting the idea onto one another that the vulnerability of a heterosexual relationship is a weakness, we are mirroring aspects of the toxic masculinity we have been attempting to dismantle in fourth-wave feminism. If those of us romantically interested in men must stifle open affection for them in order to be taken seriously or valued by our peers, we risk becoming the very thing we reprimand. Our aim should always be for our evolving definition of femininity to be taken seriously in the mainstream, rather than to conform to defunct, unfeeling definitions of masculinity in order to be respected by our peers. 

The decline in online displays of affection for our partners may in fact be a response to the uncaring nature of contemporary dating culture in general: a culture in which it is considered a weakness to express vulnerability in any regard, for fear of public or private humiliation when things go sideways. However, it is apparent to me that among the enlightened of our generation, it generally reflects well on a man if he is all about his girlfriend, boasts and openly displays his care for her. He is considered ‘cool’ for his ability to refute toxic masculinity and embrace human emotion. 

As highlighted by the Vogue article, this positive opinion is not extended to women doing the same. It is worth noting that all discussion here is relevant to a very privileged demographic of people: those in the first world with the financial and legal ability to remain single, and with access to the education and technology that permits us the critical thinking to even consider these intricacies. In these circles, those who may praise a man for his open pride in his girlfriend, it seems might also be hostile towards women with that same pride in their boyfriend. 

The stark flaw of the Vogue article is that a woman’s cultural ‘cool’ status is dependent on her relationship to a man (or lack thereof), rather than her own character or achievements, still then centers men. Why should a woman’s relationship status at all factor into how much respect you permit her? This is the question we have been posing for decades, and now it seems we cannot escape it even on the flip side. When a woman I know and respect has made the choice to be in a heterosexual relationship, I assume that she has made that choice with the same awareness that she makes all other respective life choices, and if she hasn’t, that it is her own experience to manoeuvre. Ergo, her relationship status does not impede upon my judgement of her character: the male appendage is insignificant to whatever ‘cool’ status I might otherwise apply to her. 

Any judgement made automatically with regard to a woman’s heterosexual relationship status still places men at the forefront of our considerations, and, as always, it is the perception of the woman that suffers. A woman’s choice to engage in a heterosexual relationship cannot exist in a vacuum (given that the conscious or subconscious influence of the patriarchy perpetually looms), and thus it is worth considering how these relationships may be limiting. We must, however, place a woman’s right to whatever life choice she desires at the forefront of our minds, and disregard her relationship status when deciding how much of our attention she is worthy of. This is, in my opinion, one way that we can decenter men. 

My conclusive response to Vogue’s contentious article is to implore women to at all times attempt to focus on only what they want, amidst yet another imposition of countless voices telling them what they should or should not do. The Vogue article outlines and largely validates the latest judgment being imposed on women’s choices: how their relationship status can still affect their validity. This is not what we should stand for as feminists, and at the very least, we should not be the ones inflicting this judgement upon one another. Our cause is strongest when we are a collective, and creating divisions among us only strengthen patriarchy.

https://www.vogue.co.uk/article/is-having-a-boyfriend-embarrassing-now