TWSS’ Cerys Gadsden questions the necessity for defining the relationships that we have with others, suggesting that the confusing and unclear dating labels are more trouble than they’re worth.

It feels as though I cannot escape labels, nor can most people my age, it seems. Labels that define class, gender, ethnicity, sexuality, aesthetic, personality… As someone who is extremely indecisive, modern labels seem to drown my identity, which causes immense stress, especially when attempting to present myself fully to the world.  In terms of dating, I’m pretty decisive when I want a romantic connection – but the actual labels of whether we’re ‘dating’, ‘exclusive’, in a ‘relationship’, or in a ‘situationship’ similarly drowns me, my friends, and the people I have dated.

Generally confused and intrigued by other people’s perspectives, I took to my social media, asking my followers their thoughts. The first question I asked was, “Do you think modern dating is generally bad/hard?”, which got a response of 91% out of 69 responses stating “Yes”. The second question was, “Are dating labels such as: ‘seeing’, ‘exclusive’, ‘casual’, or ‘situationship’ confusing?”, with 74% of 69 people stating “Yes”. Of course this is 69 people that follow my Instagram, so it doesn’t necessarily represent the whole of Britain’s youth, yet the knowledge that these responses mainly came from my close friends, of whom most are single, simultaneously makes sense and saddens me. So from this I ask: why is dating so hard? And who is deciding these labels?

From experience, it feels as though I have experienced immense miscommunication when it comes to labels. In my second year I was in a relationship that felt more like a situationship: I didn’t feel strongly connected to the person, and felt a much stronger need to spend time with others due to the little effort they put in to sustain our relationship. However, in my final year I began a situationship/seeing someone which on the surface would appear to be casual, yet we spent most of our week together, and it felt as though we were exclusive, just by our sheer interactions with each other. Many of my friends have recently had similar experiences, in which someone has articulated that they felt a strong connection, but then revealed that they were seeing other people at the same time, or felt it was more casual.

Terms such as ‘casual’ or ‘long-term’ obviously make sense, as they indicate the physical boundaries formed by such a relationship, but Tinder and Hinge adding new terms such as “short-term relationship” creates  more confusion: does “short” mean casual dating? Does this mean that a couple would make it official whilst knowing it will have to end? Does this mean no exclusivity, but still seeing each other as if it were a relationship? Additionally, the endings of short-term/situationships are deemed similarly catastrophic, if not more so, as the feelings are as strong as those of a break-up, but come with the added pain of not understanding your ex-partner’s original intentions, and the sense of wasted potential.

So then why are labels causing more difficulties? Natalie Jones, a psychotherapist, stated in the New York Times, that the consistent labels within modern dating, that cause confusion and issues, have a correlation with “the abundance of options” that are prominent on dating apps and within social media. The many options people are given about dating feeds into this delusion of attainability, as the options are there in front of us, for free. For those seeking a ‘casual relationship’ that isn’t ‘exclusive’ but still feels ‘situationally romantic’ can potentially have that, as dating apps are programmed to meet these peoples’ needs. However, offline, these labels cease to be relevant; we can’t meet people organically assuming they seek the same thing as us, as it can be difficult to make intentions clear from the beginning. This may be why dating is at a dead end, due to the lack of a boundary and the fact that there’s too much online choice in contrast to offline. 

So what needs to change? How can modern dating get back on track? I believe communication and utmost honesty are the absolute key. If I could rewind my past mistakes with people I have been in tricky relationships with, I would instantly tell them my intentions and ask for theirs, if I knew it was something important to me. Of course many don’t seek this information, but it’s important to note that the other person you’re dating, seeing, or sleeping with may feel differently – and they deserve the same respect that you would want. I hope that many who have been impacted by depressing dating/relationship experiences can begin to know that such experiences can help us grow; I know I’m slowly healing, and I now know more about myself and what I’m seeking.